back to normal

*sigh*

Life's back to normal. I went back to work yesterday. Everyone liked my new look and I supposedly look like I've lost weight. They were joking around and asking if I lied and went away to a spa instead.

Today was fun cause I got to work with Lynne all day. I hate Mondays and Wednesdays cause she doesn't work and I'm stuck with Them (the two I don't like). So today was fun cause I had my partner in crime with me, but yesterday... yesterday was awful. With the except of my crush coming for a couple hours to fix the Cash Recycler, it was really bad. I was alone with Them, I had to count money by hand, cause Herc was down and I haven't had to do that in ages, so I was a little rusty. And then this guy brought in about 150 savings bonds to cash. Seriously. I hate savings bonds. Unless you use them correctly, which nobody ever does, they are useless. This guy did it right though, he ended up getting back over $12,000. Seriously. Not that that made me like them any better. There is just a lot of work involved in cashing them out. And I did it all. Surprise, surprise. So, despite the fact that Nils, the crush, barely comes to our branch unless we break Herc, the Recycler, and despite the fact that my new hair looked cute and I dressed really nicely (all cause Lynne warned me that she broke Herc, so Nils would be there on Monday), despite all that, I was stressed and busy, so I had no time to flirt. That is if I knew how to flirt. I really don't know how. Not with a stranger, or at least, not with a stranger in a professional atmosphere who is relationship material. I can flirt with friends and I can flirt with strangers that I don't see going anywhere. Not that either of those have happened within the past... year+. We're not going into that. I'm gonna stop now.

Tomorrow's Halloween and I have no plans. I was supposed to go to Salem, but that fell through. I could go into Boston, but I don't really want to push it cause I've been exhausted at the end of the work day. Not to mention, I don't have a costume. I'm pretty good at the spontaneous ones, but still. If I went into the city, I would have to see my friend's boyfriend and I really don't like him.
At work, we have a Hawaiian theme. We stayed late tonight and decorated. It looks awesome. And I get to wear... JEANS tomorrow. Jeans at the bank! Its a freaking miracle! I still have to get some things together for some last minute decorating and find a Hawaiian-y shirt, so I'm gonna get started on that and then get to bed.

Knitting ADHD

I have cast on two new socks today and made a lot of headway on the baby blanket. One pair of socks in Trekking and one pair in leftover Lisa Souza for baby socks! They are so cute! I'll take pictures once there's a little more than an inch of cuff, lol. Oi, its 1 am. I need to go to sleep. I guess I probably won;t be making it to the gym tomorrow. Too bad, too, I really need it.

First Psych class tomorrow night.

Things are still silent on the Derek front and I'm really saddened by it. I think I might call him tomorrow night, when my head isn't fuzzy from medicine. I know he doesn't believe it, but I really only asked cause I'm spacey. I asked him if he ever cheated on me when we were dating. I can't help that ever since he cheated on his current girlfriend with me that I would doubt his faithfulness back when we were dating. To make things worse, he is still under the impression that I cheated on him with Danny. Cause he thought we were only on break, but I thought everything was over. Drama, drama, drama. I even told him that if his answer was yes, he did, I don't know if I would have the right to be mad at him.

Its like my aunt who got divorced over seven years ago to a man who had cheated on her. She is still bitter. Understandable, except that it was her ex-husband second marriage because she had been his other woman during his first. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I understand that she was mad and sad and allllll that, but seriously, she thought he only cheated for her?

I've put a lot of thought into this lately. And vicoden brought it out... out loud. I swear this stuff is worse than drunk dialing.

open mouth, insert foot

So, I really know how to put my foot in my mouth. If I ever want to be with Derek again, I'm screwed.

I'm high on painkillers for the stabby-pains. I had another attack today, so I've been heavily medicated.

And it's bringing out my worst qualities.

When I ramble about depressing stuff...

I am horrible at keeping a blog, I really am. Lets see... I've decided to be a nicer person. I realized that when I say I'm a mean person all the time, even if I'm just kidding, it really starts to happen. Blame it on that self-fulfilling prophecy stuff. I used to be a really nice person, so nice that I let people walk all over me all the time. I made that realization right around the time Derek and I broke up and Danny told me that I was too dependent on men. So, I vowed that I would become stronger and more independent. However, I just turned cold. Its been about a year and a half now and I am an Ice Queen: I rarely go out, all of my friendships have gone downhill, I have a horrible attitude, and I'm ridiculously lonely.

There has to be a happy medium.

I met somebody. I met him on OKCupid. The site creeps the hell out of me, but it worked well for one of my friends, so I did it anyways. After being on the site for a couple of months and talking to people online, I finally decided to meet one of the normal ones in person. He's a nice enough guy, but I am not even a little bit interested in him. "Beggars can't be choosers" can bite my ass, cause I'd rather be alone and bored and almost miserable than in a stale, passionless relationship.

I was talking to Lynne the other day about Derek. She said, very politely, but pointedly, "You're not over him, are you?" I stopped and thought about it for a minute and answered, "No, and I probably never will be. Thats just how I am." Its pretty true. I fall and I fall hard and I never really get over it.

This is probably way too melodramatic, but I feel like the past two or three years have been really hard for me. Life will always have its ups and downs, but lately the downs have been outnumbering the ups. My Grmmy broke her hip this morning. She's getting old and its scary. She's 87 and I still think of her as my Grammy that lived by herself and was strong and independent and took care of me on weekends that my parents worked. Her dementia is hitting me really really hard. I know the ups and downs are probably about even. Deep down I know it, but lately, its just been so hard. And when it gets like this, its so hard to remember the good too. All I can think about is the bad. For three years all I can think of is bad, hard, horrible events: Grammy getting hurt today and getting sick two years ago, when her health started speeding downhill, my mom's aunt dying last week, Derek and I breaking up a year and a half ago, my dad being fired two years ago, Danny, leaving me for his ex right after Derek and I broke up, failing all of those classes and dropping out of RWU two years ago... the list can go on and on and if I don't get out of this funk and start thinking about the good, it will. That can't happen. I've let all that steam out, now I have to start thinking of the good. Discovering a passion for knitting and spinning, meeting Lynne and having a partner in crime at work, going off of antidepressants, meeting Derek and having fun while it lasted, and then once we got over the breakup, having a good friend I can count on for the rest of my life, all of the fun I've had with my friends, going to concerts and bars and Harry Potter parties, lol.

Good. Positive attitude. Its what I need. Good things happen to good people.