When I ramble about depressing stuff...

I am horrible at keeping a blog, I really am. Lets see... I've decided to be a nicer person. I realized that when I say I'm a mean person all the time, even if I'm just kidding, it really starts to happen. Blame it on that self-fulfilling prophecy stuff. I used to be a really nice person, so nice that I let people walk all over me all the time. I made that realization right around the time Derek and I broke up and Danny told me that I was too dependent on men. So, I vowed that I would become stronger and more independent. However, I just turned cold. Its been about a year and a half now and I am an Ice Queen: I rarely go out, all of my friendships have gone downhill, I have a horrible attitude, and I'm ridiculously lonely.

There has to be a happy medium.

I met somebody. I met him on OKCupid. The site creeps the hell out of me, but it worked well for one of my friends, so I did it anyways. After being on the site for a couple of months and talking to people online, I finally decided to meet one of the normal ones in person. He's a nice enough guy, but I am not even a little bit interested in him. "Beggars can't be choosers" can bite my ass, cause I'd rather be alone and bored and almost miserable than in a stale, passionless relationship.

I was talking to Lynne the other day about Derek. She said, very politely, but pointedly, "You're not over him, are you?" I stopped and thought about it for a minute and answered, "No, and I probably never will be. Thats just how I am." Its pretty true. I fall and I fall hard and I never really get over it.

This is probably way too melodramatic, but I feel like the past two or three years have been really hard for me. Life will always have its ups and downs, but lately the downs have been outnumbering the ups. My Grmmy broke her hip this morning. She's getting old and its scary. She's 87 and I still think of her as my Grammy that lived by herself and was strong and independent and took care of me on weekends that my parents worked. Her dementia is hitting me really really hard. I know the ups and downs are probably about even. Deep down I know it, but lately, its just been so hard. And when it gets like this, its so hard to remember the good too. All I can think about is the bad. For three years all I can think of is bad, hard, horrible events: Grammy getting hurt today and getting sick two years ago, when her health started speeding downhill, my mom's aunt dying last week, Derek and I breaking up a year and a half ago, my dad being fired two years ago, Danny, leaving me for his ex right after Derek and I broke up, failing all of those classes and dropping out of RWU two years ago... the list can go on and on and if I don't get out of this funk and start thinking about the good, it will. That can't happen. I've let all that steam out, now I have to start thinking of the good. Discovering a passion for knitting and spinning, meeting Lynne and having a partner in crime at work, going off of antidepressants, meeting Derek and having fun while it lasted, and then once we got over the breakup, having a good friend I can count on for the rest of my life, all of the fun I've had with my friends, going to concerts and bars and Harry Potter parties, lol.

Good. Positive attitude. Its what I need. Good things happen to good people.